The Donald in The Holy Land

They both have been married three times. They both cheated on wife number one with wife number two and on wife number two with wife number three. Both are under criminal investigation by the top law enforcement agency in their country. Both have voracious, and very particular, appetites. Both blame the media for all their problems, never themselves. Both have Jewish daughters and Jewish grandchildren.

No wonder The Bibi and The Donald seem to get along so well.

And so there they were in Jerusalem, all chummy and yukking it up, though not as much as The Donald was yukking it up with the foreign minister of Russia at that meeting where he, you know, gave the Russians some of the most sensitive and classified information. Information that came from Israel, though we weren’t sure of that until The Donald revealed that fact to us by vehemently denying it while in Israel.

Yes, Hurricane Donald swept through the Jewish state, devoting all of about 26 hours to the Jews, about half the time he gave to Saudi Arabia. But then Jews don’t do the sword dance or hand out solid gold chains for The Donald to dangle around his neck.

During his day in Israel, which The Donald doesn’t seem to realize is in the Middle East just like Saudi is, he refused to visit Masada because Israel said he couldn’t land on the mountaintop in his helicopter and there is no way he was going to take the cable car just like the peasants do, just like George W. Bush and Bill Clinton did.  And he reluctantly gave all of 15 minutes to visiting, if you can call a 15 minute stop a visit, Yad Vashem, the Holocaust Museum. And though the Donald did visit the Western Wall, his secretary of state refused to say that the Western Wall is in Israel, and The Donald refused to let The Bibi go with him to the Wall, despite The Bibi’s pleas. The White House made a point of saying it was a “private visit,” meaning no recognition of Israeli sovereignty over the Wall should be implied.

Overall, yes, it was a great visit. Especially the part where Melania slapped away The Donald’s hand when he tried to take hers. The whole trip was worth it just for that.

I must admit it made me sick to see how much The Bibi fawned over The Donald, how passionately he kissed his tushie. I mean, I know he’s not Obama, but I would hope the prime minister of Israel would attempt to maintain some dignity, especially because now that the Donald has decided making peace is much easier than it looks and that he intends to be the one to consummate the ultimate deal of all times, I don’t think The Bibi is going to be very happy with what that’s going to mean.

One thing this visit did clarify for me is that The Donald is in fact not my least favorite member of the Trump clan. No, that would be Ivanka and Jared, who I am coming to be more and more disgusted with each and every day.

Let’s start with the fact that it seems it isn’t real estate, but lying, that is the Trump family business. As you may know, Jared is a Jew, Ivanka converted to Judaism, and both proclaim themselves to be Orthodox Jews.

As Orthodox Jews, they are Shabbat observant. Or so they say. But you may have noticed that Air Force One took off for the foreign trip on Friday afternoon and was thus was in the air on Shabbat. And on Air Force One, on Shabbat, were Ivanka and Jared.

Now, among the things Shabbat observant Orthodox Jews do not do on Shabbat is fly on an airplane. It is true, however, that if you ask your rabbi if you may do so based on extenuating circumstances, he can give you a dispensation.

And so the White House let it be known that in fact Ivanka and Jared’s rabbi did give them authorization to fly on Shabbat. Okay, cool. Only one thing. That wasn’t true.

We learned that when Ivanka and Jared’s rabbi, having heard he gave them the okay, said no he did not. Rabbi Haskell Lookstein is the rabbi who converted Ivanka and is one of the most respected Orthodox rabbis in the country. And he made it very clear that he did not give the first daughter and her husband a dispensation to fly on Air Force One on Shabbat.

Lookstein told Isaac Herzog, leader of the opposition Zionist Union party, that it was “fake news” that he had given them permission to travel by plane Saturday. Lookstein also told Herzog, that he had not been in contact with Ivanka for several weeks.

So they lied about having rabbinic permission to fly on Shabbat. Which means they also did not have rabbinic dispensation to travel to meetings by car in Saudi Arabia on Saturday, yet travel by car they did. And for people who claim to keep kosher, it was of note that Ivanka and Jared eagerly drank the cups of coffee given out at the meeting in Riyadh with the king.

Now, look, I have always and often said one Jew has no right to judge another Jew, certainly no right to criticize how another Jew decides to be Jewish. But I give myself a dispensation in this case, first, because it was a big time lie for the White House to falsely say they had rabbinic permission to fly and drive on Shabbat, when their rabbi said he gave no such permission.

But beyond that, Ivanka and Jared so loudly proclaim they are Orthodox and yet seem to not put that in practice, at least not publicly. They are Orthodox,  it appears, when it is convenient for them and when it doesn’t get in the way of them doing cool things, like fly Air Force One and hobnob with the king of Saudi Arabia, since what they care about much more than Judaism is being big shots.

Tell me please why could they not have flown ahead and arrived in Saudi Arabia before Shabbat? Tell me please why they couldn’t have skipped the Saturday meetings so they didn’t have to travel by car?

And while we’re at it, what was up with Ivanka’s outfit during daddy’s visit to the Western Wall. If she’s so Orthodox why was she dressed all in black, as if she was attending a funeral?

Yes, the Wall is a holy place, but that doesn’t mean you dress in black as if you are mourning. Indeed, Melania, no Jew she, got it just right, wearing a white outfit, white as in pure and holy, much more befitting a visit to the Wall.

Another thing Jews, Orthodox and otherwise, are supposed to practice is humility, modesty. And yet how is it that there was barely a time when you did not see Jared in the same camera frame as The Donald. He seemed to be everywhere, doing nothing, saying nothing, contributing nothing, but always right near the president, always in view of the camera, always a foot or two from where the action was. Always wanting to be in the spotlight. Not a drop of humility there, and from what I can tell, Jared has a lot to be humble about.

By the way, did you read the story about a whole bunch of rental buildings in Baltimore known for their abuse of tenants and their slum like conditions? Buildings, we have just learned, that are owned by Jared Kushner. Yet another Chilul Hashem, desecration of G-d’s name, brought to us by the Orthodox Ken doll, Jared.

Jared, by the way, has been assigned the simple task of completing a peace deal between Israel and the Palestinians within the next year. Yes, this little pisher, whose voice we have never heard, whose only accomplishment is that he was born into a wealthy real estate family and married into a wealthy real estate family, is going to make the ultimate deal, bring peace to Israel and the Palestinians, do what Bill Clinton and Dennis Ross and George Mitchell and Anthony Zinni and Aaron David Miller and so many others could not do. It’ll be much easier than people think, The Donald has assured us. If Jared can’t do it then no one can, The Donald has assured us.

The Donald, who after 26 hours in Israel, is now the expert on peace, even though I would bet you any amount of money he could not tell you why Jerusalem is such a contentious issue, has no idea what a two state solution is, could not explain what the 1967 lines are. And Jared, who couldn’t even tell us the truth about what his rabbi said about him and sweet Ivanka flying on Shabbat. Like father, like daughter, each with their pants, or pantsuit, on fire.

But I think my favorite part of the Donald’s visit to the land of the Chosen People, was when he came to the Wall (how did Israel get Mexico to pay for it?), you know the one that is in Jerusalem, but not in Israel, according to the White House.

Though it has been well established by now that The Donald has the attention span of a two year old, that in fact his host countries were warned by the White House to keep things as simple and short as possible during the visit, there at the Wall you had the Donald accompanied by some guy who I don’t know who he was or why he was there, and who didn’t bother to go the trouble of putting on a tie and coat to welcome the president of the United States.

Anyway, there they stood a few feet from the Wall and this tieless guy pulls out some kind of map or chart and methodically goes over page by page with the Donald, presumably talking about the history of the Wall, the significance and meaning of this or that.

And you could just see that the Donald was taking none of it in, couldn’t absorb or understand any of it, that he was getting more and more antsy. To look at his face was to see a first grader eager for class to end so he could go get some ice cream. Interestingly, by the way, The Bibi’s favorite food is premium pistachio ice cream of which he bought $14,000 worth last year, all paid for by the Israeli taxpayer. And the Donald insists on two scoops of ice cream at every meal in the White House while offering his guests only one scoop.

Anyway, The Donald couldn’t wait for the lecture to end and yet the Israeli tieless guy kept talking and talking, no doubt about Herod and the Crusades and on and on. Showing how tone deaf Israeli government officials can be, and showing how lacking in any curiosity or knowledge the president of the United States is.

For me, those excruciating minutes sort of summed up the whole visit to Israel of The clueless Donald and the lying Ivanka and Jared.

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